I GOT CAUGHT CHEATING ON MY SPOUSE!
Help Save Our Marriage Are you living a secret life of betrayal that is destroying your relationship? Are you acting out sexually, watching pornography, or cheating on your spouse? You can not “white knuckle” addiction away. No matter how hard you try, you can not recover from these issues on your own. Reach out for help. There is hope. You can live in victory over these behaviors. There is freedom but it takes honesty, support, commitment and hard work.
Recovering from the disclosure or the fall out of infidelity, intimacy disorders, chronic lying, porn and sex addiction is difficult work. Trust has been shattered and you appear to be a complete stranger to your spouse. You might not even recognize yourself right now. You’re wondering, “how did I get to this point?” “How did I cause so much pain to my wife?” “I didn’t think I was hurting anyone but myself.”
There is freedom from Sex Addiction. Freedom from addiction takes hard work. You will need to attend individual and marriage counseling as well as a support group for accountability. You will need to perform daily behavioral tasks to break the addiction and restore connection to your wife. You will need to crush and destroy your secret life and live honestly in the open. You will need to humble yourself to rebuild trust in your marriage. Most importantly, you will need to take responsibility for the pain you have cause and for your recovery. Recovery is possible if you trust the process and do the work. The choice is yours.
WILL I EVER BE ABLE TO TRUST HIM AGAIN? TRUST CAN BE RESTORED!
The good news is that your marriage can recover from infidelity and you can restore healthy intimacy in your relationship. Trust can be restored and you can also be restored to a place of balance, strength, and a hopeful future! I won’t sugar coat the process—it’s hard work. I’m here to support you all the way with a specific plan—not just chit chat and feel good talk. You don’t need to walk this journey alone. You can heal from this excruciating pain and rebuild trust again. There is hope and you have a beautiful future waiting to be recreated.
INFIDELITY, ADULTERY, AFFAIR, EMOTIONAL AFFAIR, CHEATING…….
Whatever you call breaking marriage vows, the result is the same: Total devastation. Both individuals are devastated by the disclosure and the marriage is destroyed. The children, extended family members, friends, acquaintances are all effected by the deception. The ripple effect is endless. Finances, job stability, social relationships, physical and emotional health are all in jeopardy and at risk. Now, is every person who commits infidelity a sex addict? No. Keep reading and see if any of this information starts to ring true.
SEX ADDICTION/SEXUAL COMPULSIVITY
Dr. Doug Weiss, a leading expert in the field of Sex Addiction, defines sex addiction as using sexual behaviors as a method of medicating feelings and/or coping with stress to the degree that one’s sexual behavior becomes the major coping mechanism in their life. The individual often cannot stop the sexual behavior for any great length of time by themselves. The sex addict spends a lot of time in the pursuit of his or her sexual behaviors/fantasies or they have a binge of sexual behaviors.
The sex addict protects his “acting out” behaviors in a “secret place” from his spouse to avoid negative consequences, shame, and judgement. The behaviors eventually become unmanageable and the addiction is revealed whether it be chronic infidelity, viewing pornography excessively, seeking out strip clubs, massage parlors, and prostitutes or compulsive masturbation.
6 TYPES OF SEX ADDICTS
After more than 30 years of counseling individuals with sex addiction, leading expert in the field of sex addiction and intimacy disorders, Dr. Doug Weiss recognized that not all addicts are the same. Individuals with sex addiction can be identified by 6 subtypes:
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The Biological Sex Addict
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The Psychological Addict
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The Spiritual-Based Addict
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The Trauma Based Addict
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The Sexual/Emotional/Intimacy Anorexic
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The Sex Addict with Mood Disorders
WHY IS KNOWING THE “TYPE” OF SEX ADDICT IMPORTANT?
Identifying the type of sex addict helps the counselor determine the underlying factors of the addiction. With this information a skilled credentialed Sex Addiction Therapist who understands the dynamics of the sex addict, will be best able to put together a treatment plan for you to receive the greatest hope for recovery. Many counselors with a general practice do not have the skills necessary to effectively treat sex addicts or their partners and can actually cause more harm than good.
ARE YOU A SEX ADDICT? TAKE THE TEST
Ask yourself the following questions. If you answer several of these with “yes” you might want to seriously consider that you have an addiction problem and reach out for help.
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Do you have secret sexual behaviors with yourself, pornography or others?
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Are you unable to be honest about your sexual behavior?
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Have you tried to stop this behavior and failed?
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Have you continued your sexual behavior even though you have had consequences?
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Have you caused pain in your relationships due to your sexual behavior?
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Do you know you need to stop a sexual behavior in order to be healthy?
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Have you had consequences financially, relationally or socially due to your sexual behavior?
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Do you have a core belief that if you really knew me, you wouldn’t love me?
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Do you have difficulty not lusting or objectifying people?
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Do you use secret emails, web subscriptions or prostitute services?
I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY WE’RE SO DISCONNECTED
What is Intimacy Anorexia?
Intimacy anorexia is a term coined by Dr. Doug Weiss, leading expert in the field of sex addictions and intimacy disorders. Specifically, intimacy anorexia is an explanation for why a person in a relationship actively withholds emotional, spiritual and sexual intimacy from their partner. This active withholding impacts the spouse/partner significantly but regardless of pain to self or their spouse/partner they continue. Individuals with intimacy anorexia have the following characteristics:
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Too busy for their spouse
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Blames the spouse for all the problems in the marriage
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Withholds love
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Withholds praise
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Some withhold sex or connected sex
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Withholds spirituality
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Unwilling or unable to share feelings
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Controls with silence or anger
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Ongoing or unwarranted criticism of you
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.Can control or shame you around money.
Often if you’re married to a person with Intimacy Anorexia you might feel alone or more like a roommate than a lover. Partners of Intimacy Anorexics express marriage as lonely and empty. There is treatment for this individual. Individuals with intimacy anorexia can recover and can experience authentic connection and a passionate marriages as whole people. According to Dr. Doug Weiss, 29% of male sex addicts also have intimacy anorexia. Complicating the situation, Dr. Weiss determined that 39% of partners of sex addicts experience intimacy anorexia which could also be “reactive intimacy anorexia” as a result of the discovery of the spouses acting out.
I CAUGHT HIM WATCHING PORN!
The internet has made viewing pornography accessible, anonymous, affordable and addicting. Often times porn addiction can be the cause of disconnection in the marriage relationship.
Learn More
NOW THAT I KNOW HE’S CHEATING…..WHAT DO I DO?
First, take action. Reach out and contact me for an appointment to discuss your counseling options. There are immediate steps to take which will help the Sex Addict heal, take personal responsibility, rebuild trust, reduce personal shame, and re-connect to his wife and family. For the spouse of the sex addict it is important that she begins her own recovery from the results of experiencing relational trauma.
ARE ALL SEX ADDICTION COUNSELORS THE SAME?
No, not all certified Sex Addiction counselors are the same. Some counselors practice the Co-Dependency Model when treating sex addicts and their spouses. This philosophy believes that the offended partner is a “co-addict” or “co-dependent.” This viewpoint assigns part of the blame to the offended partner.
I do NOT share this view of Sex Addiction. I practice the Partner’s Recovery Model and the Trauma Model. I believe the partner has experienced a trauma as a reaction to the discovery of her husband’s choices and behaviors. Research has shown that almost 70% of women who have discovered their husband’s addiction are experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Do not be re-traumatized by choosing a therapist who lacks specific education and training with Sex Addiction and/or Partner’s Recovery. If you are the spouse of a Sex Addict please do not subject yourself to accepting part of the blame of your spouse’s sexual acting out by attending therapy with a therapist who practices the Co-Dependency Model of treatment.
Skilled, trained credentialed Sex Addiction Therapists can help couples through critical phases of the recovery process. There are specific actions to take as you experience disclosure, move into the process of recovery, and rebuild trust in relationships. Each of these phases has specific goals which need to be met to be successful for a solid recovery.
You can rebuild your relationship and acquire and implement the necessary skills for an intimate relationship. It’s hard work, but if you commit to the process you can heal and you can feel better again. You can restore emotional safety and get your life back on track. There are no guarantees that therapy will be 100%, however, without therapy your chance of overcoming this addiction is even less likely. You can’t “white knuckle” this addiction away. You probably already know that. I have a hunch that you have tried before and it didn’t last. Reach out. I can help.
WHAT SHOULD WE EXPECT FROM COUNSELING?
You should expect to work hard. I will meet with you as a couple. Each of you will have the opportunity to tell your story. Throughout the process, I will also meet with you individually as needed. If disclosure is relatively new, we will start by processing the crisis of the trauma to establish emotional safety. We will look at your life holistically including emotional, relational, behavioral, and spiritual elements. I will assess the strengths and weaknesses in your marriage and assist you in making short and long term goals. You will be personally responsible to complete specific exercises on a daily basis to eliminate destructive patterns and replace them with behaviors that build deeper intimacy and connection with each other. All of the work will be geared toward healing, rebuilding trust, marital skill building and establishing healthy intimacy to achieve the marriage that fulfills you both.
HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE TO GET BETTER?
Every couple is different. Every individual is unique. Recovery from infidelity, porn addiction, intimacy anorexia, and sex addiction is hard work. There is no way to put a time frame on recovery. However, I will tell you that we are not in counseling to “chit chat” with feel good conversation and amateur TV psycho- babble. I take a serious no nonsense approach to recovery. We will participate in structured purposeful therapy sessions. Feel confident that your money is being well spent. Feel confident that I am going to lead you, support you, and walk with you through recovery! You do not have to do this alone but it will be your personal responsibility to “do recovery.” No one, can do the work of recovery for you. It’s your decision.
CAN I GET OVER THIS ADDICTION?
To experience the greatest benefit from counseling it is important that you are totally honest. Do you want to heal? For individuals who really want to be free of these addictions and rebuild their relationship recovery is possible. We will start rebuilding trust by using a licensed polygrapher to administer a lie detector test to the offending spouse. This helps the offended spouse re-establish trust and begin recovery work. The poly helps the addict crush the secret world and connect back to honesty and reality. Research states that 96% of spouses who have taken lie detector tests are glad they did. Trust the process and do the work—Repeat. Trust the process and do the work.
There will be specific activities for you to do each and every day. You will need to connect with a support group (Freedom Groups, Partners Groups), watch topical DVDs, and read recovery materials. I’ll explain the process very clearly when we meet.