My Husband Has a Problem Watching Porn!
I caught my husband watching porn! Help me!
Finding out your partner watches porn can be devastating. As a matter of fact, it can be downright traumatic! Approximately 70% of wives dealing with a husband’s betrayal fit the criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). These symptoms can include:
- Hypervigilance
- Nightmares
- Irritability
- Mood Swings
- Lack of focus
- Anxiety
- Pacing
- Depression
- Rage
- Trouble Sleeping
- Weeping
- Replaying Discovery
- Hyper-sexuality
- Fear
- Obsessive Thinking
He Denies Watching Porn
Maybe you suspect he watches porn but he adamantly denies it going so far as to say, “You’re Crazy or It’s Your Fault!” Suddenly, you feel like the bad guy. What?
Maybe you’ve caught him many times and you have finally had enough. But no matter how much you plead….yell…..scream and beg he doesn’t quit the porn. After a lot of yelling and crying you settle down and have a long talk. Once again he says, he doesn’t need it and he can quit whenever he wants to. He promises to quit. You get busy and life goes on……..for a while.
The Porn Addiction: Brain Chemistry Plain and Simple!
Watch this quick and simple video to better understand how viewing porn becomes an addiction:
Yes, that’s right porn can become an addiction. Watching porn and masturbating sets off a fireworks display of neurochemistry in your brain. Simply stated…. Together with dopamine, testosterone, norepinephrine, oxytocin, and vasopressin exploding in the brain every time porn is viewed, neuropathways are carved into the brain creating an addiction. The person who watches porn and or engages in masturbation no longer attaches to his partner, but to the porn itself. Eventually he loses interest in his partner and is not able to have an orgasm with his partner unless he is watching porn.
For a complete but understandable lesson in brain chemistry and porn addiction, click here.
Porn Damages Your Marriage
Porn destroys intimacy within the marriage relationship. It breaks trust and commitment. Viewing porn creates self-doubt and insecurity in the spouse. The spouse’s self-esteem plummets as a result of being rejected and devalued.
How can he watch porn and say he loves me?
Simply stated, men compartmentalize. He might even think that lying is protecting you from his secret world.
Why am I not enough for him?
Because the more porn he watches, the more porn he needs. The porn use has accelerated his tolerance for the chemicals released in the brain. Now, monogamous sex is too routine or boring to set off the chemical rush the brain receives during sex with a spouse.
Porn Shapes Our Sexual Beliefs
Watching porn teaches that it is ok to objectify women as sexual objects to be used for sexual satisfaction.
Porn Myths
Porn helps to spice up your sex life.
The truth is that viewing porn actually decreases sexual satisfaction. Porn makes reality seem extremely boring. According to Dr. Judith Reisman, many men get to the point where they can no longer perform without imagining themselves in a pornographic scene.
Watching porn isn’t the same as cheating.
Receiving sexual gratification from someone other than your spouse is cheating.
Porn is the same as art.
No, the motivation between an artist and a pornographer is not the same at all. An artist portrays men and women as people. Porn presents woman as objects for lust.
You should have seen the signs.
Nope. Marriage is built on trust. There is an understanding that neither person will step outside of the marriage for sexual gratification. Individuals who watch porn get pretty good at deceiving the partner and keeping the secret world hidden.
Forgiveness means forgetting.
Not at all. Forgiveness is a process. It may require forgiving over and over again, however, it does not mean tolerating the behavior.
Bluffton Couples Counseling Porn Addiction
The good news is that recovery and restoration are possible for you and your husband. Don’t give up! I’ll help you work through the recovery process.
I am a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist as well as a Partners Recovery Therapist and Intimacy Anorexia Therapist. I am specifically trained to help your spouse overcome the porn addiction and help you both heal your marriage. There is great hope when you attend counseling and do the work! You can restore trust and develop a deep intimate connection in your marriage!
This is not your fault! Your husband is responsible for his recovery!!!
Covenant Eyes: Porn and Your Husband has this great wisdom:
Your husband’s recovery is ultimately his choice. If he chooses not to change his behavior and work to restore your trust, it is not your fault. There are steps you can take to encourage him toward reconciliation, and you certainly still play a role in his recovery. Before you begin the process, however, remind yourself (and your husband) of these vital truths:
- Your husband is responsible for his porn habit. Not you.
- Your husband is responsible for his lies and secrecy. Not you.
- Your husband is responsible for making changes in his habits. You are not responsible to fix him.
- Your husband is responsible for developing new behaviors that you deem trustworthy and trust-building. You cannot do this for him.
- You are responsible for communicating to your husband what trustworthy and trust-building behavior looks like to you—and then taking note of those behaviors when they are present.
- You are responsible for communicating to your husband what hurtful behavior looks like and how you plan to react to protect yourself—and then following through with consequences when necessary.
- You are responsible for seeking help for yourself so you can cope with debilitating and negative emotions.
“Porn doesn’t have a demographic—it goes across all demographics.” — Paul Fishbein, founder Adult Video News
First, let me tell you that you are not alone. Take a look at these statistics. I think you will be alarmed!
According to a report commissioned by Congress (2004), 70 million individuals visit pornographic websites each week. 11 million are under 18 years of age.
According to a survey conducted by the Barna Group in the U.S. in 2014:
- 63% of men ages 18-30 watch porn several times per week.
- 38% of men 31-49 watch porn several times per week.
- 25% of men 50-68 watch porn several times per week.
- 55% of married men say they watch porn at least once a month compared to 70% of single guys.
According to sociologist Dr. Jill Manning, the research indicates pornography consumption is associated with the following six trends:
- Increased marital distress, and risk of separation and divorce.
- Decreased marital intimacy and sexual satisfaction.
- Infidelity
- Increased appetite for more graphic types of porn and sexual activity associated with abusive, illegal and unsafe practices.
- Devaluation of monogamy, marriage, and child rearing.
- An increasing number of people struggling with compulsive and addictive sexual behavior.
The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers reported the following as the most salient factors present in divorce cases (These statistics are from 2002 and I would guess are much higher now in 2016).
- 68% of divorces involved on party meeting a new lover over the internet.
- 56% involved one party having “an obsessive interest in pornographic websites.”
- 47% involved spending excessive time on the computer.
- 33% involved excessive time spent in chat rooms
The Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology (31, No. 4 (2012): 410-438) Reports the following:
Five different studies were analyzed and concluded that there is a consistent pattern of results that prove more pornography consumption is associated with more weakened commitment to one’s relationship partner.
Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity 13 (2006): 247-267
TEENS
- 71% of teens intentionally lie to their parents about what they watch on their computers and phones.
- 32% of teens admit to intentionally accessing nude or pornographic content online.
- 43% of teens intentionally seeking porn watch on a weekly basis.
- Only 12% of parents knew their teens were watching porn.
In 2008, more than 560 college students responded to an online survey:
- 93% of boys and 62% of girls were exposed to porn before age 18.
- 14% of boys and 9% of girls were exposed to porn before age 13.
- 83% of boys and 57% of girls have viewed group sex online.
- 69% of boys and 55% of girls have viewed same sex intercourse online.
- 39% of boys and 23% of girls have viewed sexual bondage online.
- 32% of boys and 18% of girls have seen bestiality online.
- 18% of boys and 10% of girls have seen rape or sexual violence online.
- 15% of boys and 9 % of girls have seen child pornography online.
According to a survey published in the Journal of Adolescent Health in August 2009:
96% of teens interviewed had internet access and 55% had visited sexually explicit websites.
Adolescents exposed to these sites are more likely to have multiple lifetime sexual partners, more likely to have had more than one sexual partner in the last 3 months, and more likely to have used alcohol or other substances at their last sexual encounter.