You Can Heal and Recover From Infidelity and Betrayals!
Have you discovered that the person you thought you knew so well has been keeping secrets? Maybe you have discovered that your spouse has been having an affair, watching porn or acting out sexually. In the split second in which discovery occurred, your life turned upside down. You found out that your husband who promised to be faithful is a stranger who has been lying to you, deceiving you and keeping devastating secrets. Its possible that you have been feeling alone for years but you haven’t been able to figure out what was causing the disconnection.
First, I want you to know how sorry I am that you are going through this horrific experience. It’s not fair. It’s not what you signed up for and most of all, his choices and behaviors are 100% NOT your fault.
Recovery is a scary process. You have been hurt so many times and the pain is beyond words. This emotional roller coaster is too much to handle on your own. With a therapist who understands partner recovery there is hope! You can put your life back together and re-gain a more confident, productive, purposeful life. You can re-build trust in your relationship. There is always hope. Reach out and start your own journey toward healing.
You’re not Co-Dependent! You’re In Shock!
The discovery of any kind of sexual betrayal in a marriage is devastating for the partner causing a relational trauma. It feels like all of your hopes and dreams have been destroyed. It makes sense that you would be experiencing extreme emotional and physical symptoms as a result of this discovery. Although every individual is different, as a reaction to his behaviors, you are more than likely experiencing many of the following symptoms:
| Hyper-arousal | Helplessness | Sleeplessness | Immobility |
| Hyper-vigilance | Isolation | Denial | Panic Attacks |
| Dissociation | Depression | Over Eating | Inability to Eat |
| Restlessness | Confusion | Avoidance | Chronic Fatigue |
| Mood Swings | Health Problems | Rage | Over Sensitivity |
| Reliving the Event | Nightmares | Anxiety | Flashbacks |
| Inability to Concentrate | Phobias | Immune/Endocrine System Problems |
I Feel Like I’m Going Crazy! Why Am I Acting Like This?
Often times, the partner of a sexual betrayal will develop unhealthy behaviors while trying to cope with the pain and grief of the betrayal. Many partners experience:
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An unquenchable thirst for details.
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Becoming hyper-vigilant watching your spouse.
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Checking cell phone records.
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Tracking your spouse.
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Eavesdropping on conversations.
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Calling unidentified phone numbers.
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Shaming
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Cussing
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Raging
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Fantasizing
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Controlling
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Demanding
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Playing the details over and over in your mind
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Safety seeking behaviors.
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Over-spending, overeating, overreacting, over-parenting – and even trying to over-manage him.
These are just some of the behaviors that may be flooding your daily life making it impossible to
restore balance and stability in your daily living.
Why Do I Need Individual Therapy? He Did This – Not Me
I’m sure you may be wondering why you need therapy when he is the one who betrayed you and broke your marriage vows. You didn’t cheat….He did. So why should you have to go to therapy? Well, the list of symptoms and behaviors above makes it pretty difficult to manage your life, to think clearly, and to focus on healing. Therapy will help you rebuild your shattered self and become a whole person again. The counseling office is also a place where you can express and work through your anger, disappointment, grief and hopelessness without adding further damage to the marriage. Many times when an individual experiences a current trauma, pain resurfaces from previous unresolved issues that complicate healing and growth. Therapy will help you work through past experiences, understand your current emotions and behaviors and begin the healing process.
Although the goal is to restore the marriage, for some couples, this is not possible for a multitude of reasons. In cases where the marriage is beyond repair, therapy helps you manage this painful transition.
Therapy Will Remind You That You Are Worthy!
You are worthy to be loved and to be cherished. You are worthy of the truth and you are worthy to be heard and respected. You deserve a partner who is honest and committed to you unconditionally. You deserve to grow old with a trusted spouse who shares your hopes and dreams.
Remember, His Behaviors Are Not Your Fault!
IS YOUR SPOUSE A SEX ADDICT? TAKE THE TEST
If you can answer “yes” to several of these questions, you might want to seek more information to better understand the dynamics of your spouse and marriage. Please reach out for help. You don’t have to go through this alone.
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Does your spouse have unaccountable time?
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Does your spouse have unaccountable money?
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Does your spouse have unexplainable moods?
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Does your spouse’s mood depend on whether he/she gets sex or not?
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Does your spouse have a lack of sexual activity with you?
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Does your spouse have a history of emotional, physical or sexual abuse or neglect?
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Does your spouse have a supply of pornography (especially the kind you get at adult bookstores)?
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Are there many arguments over sex?
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Is your spouse unable to be emotionally intimate?
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Does sex appear to not satisfy him/her (wants more right away or there never seems to be enough)?
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Is there a lot of anger or erratic behavior when he/she is said “no” to sexually?
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Do you feel alone during your sexual encounters?
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Do you feel used, dirty or abandoned after sexual encounters?
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Is there a sense that he’s/she’s got his fix and now he’s better?
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Have they made promises to quit a behavior and failed?
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Do they have what looks like a double life?
THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE!
I know you don’t feel hopeful right now. I get it. It’s probably impossible to imagine that you could ever trust him again. You have every right to be furious. I bet you are determined to take the house, the money, the kids and the family dog while he lives in the back seat of his car. But wait! Hold on! You are searching counseling websites—–even the slightest flicker of hope can grow into a bright future. Don’t give up. Your marriage is worth fighting for!
DON’T GO THIS JOURNEY ALONE!
Most importantly, don’t go this alone. You will need a therapist who is specifically trained in the field of sexual addictions and especially in partners recovery. I have heard many women describe years of counseling and re-traumatization by counselors without specialized training in sex addictions or intimacy disorders. Some therapists hold to the Co-Addict Model. Therapists who practice the Co-Addict model believe the wife is “co-dependent” or a “co-addict!” This is a subtle way of blaming the wife for the husband’s sexual acting out. Please do not be re-traumatized with this kind of therapy. Be diligent when choosing a therapist!